Candward
Candward is a story by User:StacyFan Author's Note Okay, this is VERY different from what I usually do. For one, it's a crack!fic. That supports a crack pairing. It's sick and wrong in every way, shape, and form. It's not to be taken seriously in any way. If you're offended at all by this (and I know you are) then repeat to yourself "It's just a fic, I should really just relax." So grab yourself some Brain Bleach and let's get started! WARNING: Do not read if sober Story It had finally happened. After all these years, it had finally happened. Squidward Tentacles, resident buttmonkey of Bikini Bottom had finally left...for good. Ever since he moved there, he had been tortured 24/7 by his annoying neighbor, SpongeBob SquarePants, and his bottomfeeder buddy, Patrick Star. Many times in the past, he'd tried to leave. Like the time he made Spongebob think it was Opposite Day, or the time he moved to a town full of octopi like him. But this time, he meant it. After a horrifying experience (too horrifying to explain, even) he'd had it. He was leaving forever. He didn't tell SpongeBob, since he knew that the sycophant sponge would try to get him to stay. It was no use, though - he had already left. However, he wasn't leaving the city...he was leaving the sea. The night before, he snuck into Sandy's treedome. Quickly, he stole her escape hatch and a spare copy of her newest invention, which would help him breathe without a water helmet. He'd listened to the sponge's aimless, energetic ramblings, for once, and learned that it was well-tested, ran perfectly, but just needed to be a little smaller, maybe like a headset. He was now walking down the side of a minor highway. No one was amazed at the sight of an octopus walking around, except for a few young children. The adults assumed it was just a costume. To them, he thought, there really wasn't an octopus over there with only 6 tentacles and no pants - that would be silly. He carried Sandy's breathing machine on his back, which also made him the same size as a human. Unfortunately, the machine could only make him as tall as a 15 year old. There probably wasn't much of a need to make yourself any bigger. He shrugged as he thought, and kept walking. Eventually, he saw a sign reading "Welcome To Danville". Squidward grinned and looked down. "Well, it seems like an okay place," Squidward said to himself. "At least it looks better than Bikini Bottom." He looked up at the sign and started walking again. A few hours later, Squidward was tired from his long journey. He wiped the sweat off of his head and looked forward to find a decent-looking place to stay. Squidward walked up to it and knocked on the door. A few minutes later, someone came out - a little boy. Squidward looked down and saw that his head was shaped like a triangle. Eh. He'd seen weirder people. "Um, hello...sir. My name is..." He hesitated. He didn't want people to know he was really an octopus... "Rodger! Hi, Rodger." How he came up with Rodger, no one knows. (Except for the beta reader. Aww shoot, am I becoming a Meta Beta?) "And I'm looking for a place to stay. I'm a little, you know...homeless right now." he told the boy. "Oh. Roger roger, Rodger. It's sad that you're homeless and all. I'd love to have you here, but I'd have to ask my parents when they get home." He said "My name's Phineas, by the way." "They're not home? Do they allow strangers?" Squidward said. "Alright, who is it, Phineas?" a girl from inside the house yelled. "It's a homeless octopus!" yelled Phineas. "Wait, I'm not an -" Squidward was cut off by Phineas tapping him on the wrist. "It's okay, really, I can tell you're not some guy in a really cheap octopus costume with six legs. Don't worry, your secret's safe with me...and maybe some of my friends," Phineas told him. "So you don't find it weird that a homeless talking octopus is at your door?" asked Squidward. "Well... It wouldn't be the weirdest thing that's happened to me." Squidward followed Phineas into his house. The first thing he was someone sitting on the couch. His eyes widened when he saw. She was absolutely gorgeous, in his humble opinion. (AN: I don't feel like describing her here. If you're reading this And haven't killed yourself yet., then you already know what she looks like, anyway.) "Candace, this is Rodger. He's...an octopus." Phineas told Candace. "You're taking in a homeless talking octopus? Not only does that make no sense whatsoever, but it's also totally wrong! You guys are so busted!" Candace threw up her arms in total confusion. "It's not that wrong to take me in. I mean, I don't have any weapons or anything. And it's not like I'm going to squirt ink all over your things." Squidward told Candace. "Well, I don't know... I guess you're right. Welcome to our home! But if I see a single drop on any of my stuff, you're going right back onto the street." she warned Squidward. "I probably won't." he assured Candace. "Come on, let me show you to the guest room." Phineas told Squidward. / Later that day, Squidward got bored and decided to find something to do. He was walking by Candace's room when he overheard her talking on the phone. "Oh Stacy, it's hopeless. I'll never be able to bust my annoying brothers! Yes, they are annoying. Yes, I'm telling you stuff you already know, but seriously! They do all this crazy stuff and always get away with it!" she said. "Eh, okay. Go ahead. Talk to you later." She set her phone down and stretched as Squidward walked in. "Um, hello?" Squidward said. "Oh, it's you, Rodger. What are you doing here?" "Well, I couldn't help but hear your predicament. I think we have a lot in common." he said. "Please. Like what?" She rolled her eyes. "Well, for one, before I left the place I lived before, I lived with people exactly like that. They always do these crazy things and the worst part is they never get punished for it!" Squidward folded his arms and leaned against the doorframe. "Hey, I have the same problem with my brothers," she said, shrugging. "Maybe we're not so different after all." "You know, you're kind of cute...for a human." he told Candace. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but you don't look too bad yourself," she replied. "Thanks. I try." Squidward ran his left...hand along the top of his head. "So do I," Candace said, giggling. Then, out of absolute nowhere, Candace leaned forward...and kissed Squidward. He didn't try to stop her as they kept kissing. Squidward finally stepped back when she pulled off. "That was...wonderful." he finally said. "Thanks...Rodger." "Call me Squidward." "Whoo! Tonsil hockey! Go Canucks!" said Phineas, who was watching them. "Phineas! How long have you been standing there?" Candace yelled. "I just got here. I saw you with Squidward and wanted to know what you guys were talking about." Phineas lied. "Nothing you would want to know. Well, I'm gonna take a nap. Bye, Squidward, I mean Rodger!" she said as she left. "I'm...gonna go to my bunk, I mean, room." Squidward said. He then retreated to his room, leaving Phineas (and Ferb) standing there. "So Candace was kissing a homeless talking octopus... Cool! Let's go, Ferb!" Ferb finally opened his mouth and said "That is even more wrong then being on a Date with Jeremy in Candace's stomach" And that was that. THE END. Category:Fanon Works Category:Crossovers Category:Crack Fics Category:Things you should never read Category:International Crossovers Category:Gurgy's Pages Category:Candace Flynn